I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
