You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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