so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize