I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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