Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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