you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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