You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
she smelled like a LAN party
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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