Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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