i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
