I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
