dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
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