Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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