HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
