what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
