Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
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