Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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