DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
