wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
