Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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