There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
