Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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