Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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