Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
