I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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