just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize