If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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