I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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