She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize