nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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