I faked an abortion last night.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
don't judge my taste in strippers
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
