Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Randomize
