she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
