It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
