we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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