Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Can I color on your dick again?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
