I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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