My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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