my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
