This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
