How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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