Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
