I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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