just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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