She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
