I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize