I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
