he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
