My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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