Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
