Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
