why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize