As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
