I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
