Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
