I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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