I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
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