I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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