4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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