he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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