just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
