JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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