I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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