I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
