Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
