i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
