You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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